More Changes

I have felt really led away from choir lately. I am working with the 2-year-olds beginning next week.

Many Blessings...None of them Deserved

I have been blessed by the Lord. I have done nothing by my own strength. Every good thing in my life (and there are so many) is not mine because I am good or deserving.It is not because I have earned it. It is only because of God's overflowing mercy and grace that I have accomplished anything.

     Before He pulled me to salvation, I was drifting aimlessly in this world. I had only done wicked things for my own gain, and had gained nothing as a result. All that I had were memories of sin and trials and hardship. I was self-serving, hateful, angry, depressed, without love, alone, and I made excuses for my circumstances and my actions. I was the worst of sinners. I hated my family. I even despised my own parents and rebelled against them as soon as I was able. I drank and fornicated. I cut class like I was too good for learning. It was abominable.

     When I finally had nowhere to go and no one to help me, I asked my mother and my aunt to take me in. I had been attending church for a few months and figured I was right with the Lord. I was so arrogant and so wrong. I was so sinful. Constantly.

     Over the course of that few months, I had gotten very involved in my church. I joined the choir, went on Sunday nights and Wednesday nights, found me a Sunday school class that felt like home to me, and got plugged into a book study. It was in that book study going through "What Makes a Healthy Church Member?" that I realized how desperately wicked I truly was. I sinned constantly! I was in sin against my mother by the disrespect I showed her. I was in sin with the music I listened to. I was finding ways to sin that were easily hidden from the people at church, but slowly ate at my soul.

     I asked the Lord to give me a desire to serve Him. To give me a true salvation. I prayed that for a long while. I wanted that passion and that desire to serve, but I didn't have it, and I knew there was only one way to get it. I asked God for it.

     He has blessed me with so much more than I deserve in that. He has blessed me with a healthy relationship with my family. He blessed me with the means to move forward and make something of this life He chose to give me. Best of all, He gave me a passion for evangelism. I cannot talk to someone without sharing the faith that He gave me with them. And I am grateful, because even some of my family members have a shallow half-faith like I had. He has granted me the chance to serve Him totally. It is a blessing and an honor, and I am humbled.

So Much to Tell

The Lord is moving in my life. In just four days, I received my GED in the mail, started working towards my learner's permit, am hunting down a job like it's a trophy buck, and started the enrollment process to become a FULL TIME STUDENT! Can you say YIPPEE!!!

Morning...

     Well guys, I am crushing hard. I will get over it, I am sure, but this guy is pretty awesome. I kinda love being around him. Ah, well. That is life, isn't it? You find a guy you like, then realize there is no way he will ever be with you. For instance, this one is a good bit older than me. He wouldn't possibly be interested in me. I am too young. He is a sweet guy. Very intelligent. I realize why I like older men. They have wisdom to offer. Things to teach me. I can learn so much from them.

     I wish I had something to offer him. Some reason for him to be interested in me as well. Unfortunately, I am just a young girl with a pretty face. I am not good at anything, really, and my features aren't even all that beautiful, just mildly pretty. One of these days, I will be truly desirable to someone. He will love me with all his heart, and I will honor and obey him in all of my actions and thoughts. I will gladly serve him as a godly wife should.

     But where does one find such a man? Will God provide for me in this area? I know that I have a desire to be wed, but I am a woman. I am at the mercy of whomever finds me attractive. I cannot ask a man out. I am very old-fashioned that way. So I wait for the day when I am chosen by a man I, too, can care for. I have been asked by a few men who simply couldn't interest me, and I politely refused them. I cannot, however, wait forever.

     This is getting difficult. Every time I think I am making progress, I fail. I will just have to see if I can get the gentleman I am interested in to see me for who I am. I am not the blathering idiot I seem to make him think I am every time we talk. (I have an infuriating habit of getting quite tongue-tied when speaking to this particular gentleman.) I have asked the Lord to hear me on this, and either bring us together if we are to be together, or to take us apart if we are to be apart, but either way to do so quickly. Since praying that, we have spent quite a bit of time together. Almost daily, in fact. I am not a patient woman (one thing I am working on), but I have the tenacity to wait for whatever I need to wait for.

     If the Lord wills this man for me, he will be mine. If not, no amount of worrying will change it, and whomever the Lord does choose will be even better suited to me. I cannot complain. I have the joy of the Lord in my soul. This world will pass away, along with all the things in it, but I do wish to experience the joy of a marriage and a family and having a home. There will be trials, but to raise little soldiers for the Lord...what an honor that would be for me and my husband.

     That brings me to another point. Another reason I am interested in this man is his absolute fire and passion for Christ. He genuinely WANTS to serve him every second of every day. That kind of fire is contagious. :)